The business of dreams might be one of the darkest parts of humanity. We’ve put a value on: fan status, how much money your craft earns, who we “trust” the most. It’s this made up rubric that seems to always get in my way. How many other musicians are always checking their email for a “life changing” reach out like I am?
The most infuriating part is right when I think I have a hold of what I’m doing, I realize everything I’ve known is a sham. I wasn’t a kid, dreaming about negotiating where I should be on on a bill. What time I play, I didn’t dream about worrying about ticket sales. I didn’t dream about not completely knowing how you will get out of the financial hole you seem to keep finding. I didn’t dream about worrying about the company I keep, people I hire. & all you people who look down on this like I’m “failing” my dreams. Fuck you. I go through it too. I have friends that constantly remind me - I should of been farther by now. Headlining the Sprint Center has always been the goal but the truth is, that’s not why I do it.
I still believe in myself. I still believe someday, it’ll be my name on the marquee of the Sprint Center & I’ll come out to all those fans, but right now - RIGHT NOW, I’m just some kid who can barely figure out how to pay bills and stay afloat. Some kid, who still fumbles the ball. Sometimes I even throw it away. Some kid who can’t seem to figure out how to hide his flaws. They all just come to the surface.
I just thought by now, there would be a clearer pathway. Like, by now, somebody would of acknowledged what I was doing - if it was worth what I thought it was worth, but I’m still in this holding pattern. To put it in terms of my ex-faith: Heaven doesn’t quite trust me, and Hell is all too welcoming.
What’s crazy about all of this, is I could be on the right path & all this whining and complaining could be just an impatient kid who just didn’t see far enough. Or, it could be a kid afraid that what he’s doing just isn’t quite enough. I don’t know. Nothing I’m doing right now, makes a whole lot of sense to me.
Conor McGregor used “The Secret” to get where he wanted to go. I think it’s bullshit, but there’s something to the positive. Good things are attracted by good thought. Good work ethic, optimism. Still haven’t figure it out yet though. I’ll get there. I guess that’s what I always come back to, no matter where I am. No matter how bad I’ve fucked up. I’ll get there. I believe that and I believe in me. Why? Because what else do I have at this point? I’ve always been one to bet on myself, why stop now?
Your troubled, but tireless friend,
Second Hand King